for brain cancer fund raising
Thank you to Joanna Garcia and Nick Swisher for the twitter tip about this. Please buy!
The Role Of Support Networks In The Fight Against Cancer by David Haas
Cancer is a battle. In fact, it is the toughest battle most people will ever face. Cancer is a disease of aggression and isolation. But no one has to face the battle alone.
Support networks are important weapons in the fight against cancer. Numerous local, national, and global networks exist to support cancer patients every step of the way. Some of them are community groups, where members interact face-to-face. Others are online communities, where people communicate through blogs, email, and discussion boards.
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“Small boys become big men through the influence of big men who care about small boys.” ~ Author Unknown
When Michael died, we had a small, private service for him because he was an intensely private man who had love for a small, select group. At first the kids and I just wanted it to be for only us but a few people came to support us. I spoke at the service as did the kids. We did not want clergy or others to speak about someone they did not know. It was important that we all said our piece. They were heartfelt and heart wrenching memorials to a man who loved us and never hurt us or abandoned us. I was married to the man for 13 years and he never once made me cry. He stood up and became a father to my boys. He taught them what it was like to be a man. He loved his daughters. He loved his grandchildren.
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As I’ve said on many posts and on <a href="http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/goto/MichaelDiCarlo “>Michaels NTBS page, Michael’s concern was for kids with cancer. When he would see them in the radiation suite, he would always talk to them and would say to me, “I’ve lived my life. They should be out playing.”
There are many causes and foundations to promote. If you have one, let me know. This is for Bella:
The 3rd anniversary of Michaels seizure just passed. I wasn’t home for it. I went to MA to spend the weekend with my family.
I have written on here about going through things since he got sick. We had not yet unpacked so much of the basement/garage when he got sick. I was writing the book for the year prior and we were going to go through things that winter. It never happened.
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My husband had a brain tumor. In the summer before he was diagnosed, he acted very weird. Very off-center. It was perplexing. I thought he had fallen out of love with me or was having an affair. I also feared early Alzheimers. The personality change was very upsetting. He was fine for his birthday in May but was exhibiting “oddness” on Father’s Day and grew progressively worse until the middle of July. Then he returned to his old self. Then he was gone again for a couple of weeks and then back again. His boss noted his oddness. Everyone noted it. No one was sure what it meant.
He had a seizure on September 16, 2008. Three years ago today.
On that day, my life changed completely. I knew that something had been wrong, but I didn’t know what.
He was rushed to the hospital where he continued to seize and then taken to a bigger hospital where they intubated him and put him in medically induced coma. For the first week or so, I sat there not knowing what was going on, staring at the plain walls of the NeuroICU. I agreed to a spinal tap and then to brain surgery to find out what was going on. The masses in his brain were so large on the x-ray that no one thought they could possibly be tumors. No one could be walking around with that much tumor mass in his head, said the doctors. It covered almost the entire right side and some of the left side. We hoped that they were right. We hoped it was a virus and he would take some medication and be well.
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Last week was the two-year anniversary of Michael's death. In 2 weeks it is the three-year anniversary of the beginning of his sickness.
I spent the weekend prior to the anniversary with my grandkids. I saw Brynn, my most personable and pleasant granddaughter (age 15 months) while her parents were away and then I spent two days with my funny grandsons CJ and Derek (ages 7 and 5). I thought I was "buffered" for the anniversary.
I went back to work on Wednesday and by Thursday morning I was a wreck. I was anxious and upset. I couldn't catch my breath. I felt as if someone was sitting on my chest. On Friday I just sobbed all night. On Saturday I just bumped around the house. Everyone was gone. I was ten different shades of crazy. I didn't know what to do with my self. My head was pounding. My chest was pounding. I tried meditation, relaxation. All the things I normally recommend and what normally works for me. I felt as if I was drowning in my reaction….and I couldn't stop it.
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The 2 year anniversary of Michael’s death is next week and the 3 year anniversary of his illness is next month. Of course the anniversary is weighing on me though I have been trying to will it to not weigh on me. But it is.
I have complained over the past few years that I never dream of Michael. I would love to be with him even in my dreams. I’ve had so many dreams of so many things that seemed SO real and when I wake up it makes me smile. But I never dream of Michael and that really bothers me. Some people say it would make things worse. I don’t know.
Last night I had a dream that I was standing on the edge of a cliff screaming, “Three years is too long to feel this bad!!!” I wasn’t crying in the dream but I woke up crying.
And I feel that way…that it’s been so long. And still feels so bad.
For the past few weeks I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of being tired of grieving. Tired of missing Michael. Tired of what my life is now without him. Not that it’s bad or terrible, but I get tired of being without him. Of wishing he were here.
I just decided to stop the whole thing. Stop grieving. Stop missing. I’ve floated into and out of anger. I’ve put my wedding rings back on and taken them off and put them back on.
I spent weeks avoiding the void. Whenever I wanted to cry I would think, “I’m just sick of that. I don’t want to.” And I wouldn’t.
Then yesterday, for whatever reason, I looked up the address of our house in Texas. And it had been sold by the woman who bought it from us and it was on Trulia. The house was beautiful and near perfect when we sold it, but she put all hardwoods, redid the kitchen cabinets and counters and built a stunning deck and put in a magnificent garden path down to the woods.
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Today is what would have been Michael’s 60th birthday. I remember he freaked out when he turned 50, but I think he (and I) would have given anything for him to have seen his 60th.
I’ve been doing well lately. Feeling good. I think the Race and the visit to the Wall, while painful, have helped in my healing.
I didn’t think I would be emotional today, but I am. I just still miss him so much.
