I’ve written about anticipatory grief and have reread a lot of things I read years ago in my training as a grief counselor and a therapist. There is this unbalanced feeling as you work hard to care for and love a terminally ill person and yet come to terms with a letting go that could come sooner than you’d ever want.

Letting go of our plans for when my youngest is in college and letting go of the motorcycle and boat I wanted to buy for him. Letting go of things we had planned for and hoped for. I spent at least some part of every day of the past couple of years planning for the “just the two of us” years. Now I try to let that go and try to imagine greeting the kids and grandkids alone. And what about those motorcycle rides I was looking forward to…the two of us riding side by side as we had so often done…I can’t shake those “looking forward to” thoughts because my memories of those times we had are so wonderful…

Part of me holds on…part of me lets go…part of me is in his face…part of me is moving away…

Unbalanced. I feel so unbalanced every day. Everything is out of whack and yet I focus on him and his care and his life and his comfort like a laser. It is my absolutely number one priority and nothing in this world could move me off that. Unbalanced and yet focused.

It’s a strange, strange world.

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