Michael finished radiation today. He got a diploma and he got to ring the bell and everyone made a big fuss. He was happy. Everyone was happy.

Somehow I felt irritated. I felt like I deserved a diploma and to ring a bell. I get him ready every single morning even when he’s sick and fussy and obstinate. I drive him over an hour each way and when the mountain drive makes him nauseous I sit on the Tappan Zee Bridge instead. I run in and get groceries while he naps in the car. I try to piggyback errands onto the time out. We come home and I get him food, medicine and blankets.

I felt like I deserved a diploma. I didn’t get one. In fact I was pretty much ignored.

I felt like “the chauffeur” and it’s probably a lot of “unmet need” stuff going on but even though we walk in together every day and I am one of the only family members allowed IN the radiation suite because he needs direction, today I was invisible.

On the way home he said, “You know what I’m going to do when I beat this thing?” I said, “No what?” He said “I’m going to volunteer to work with cancer patients.” He’s said this before and I usually smile. Today I said, “I thought you were going to say take my devoted wife on a trip.” He laughed, “Yeah, that too.” Some part of me wasn’t joking.

Then I felt guilty for feeling this way…sigh.

It was a happy day. I think.

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