I feel irritated.

I looked at some pictures of Mother’s Day Brunch this afternoon. We had such a wonderful time and I felt loved and cherished by my family. The boys were there, my grandchildren, my daughter, Michael and my former in-laws. (the pix are on my Slide show on the other blog under the Pix page).

Michael has always been gracious toward them since they came back into my life and he and my former father in law are both full blooded Italians and machinists. When we were leaving the country club where had brunch (and a wonderful time), Michael pulled the car up so that I didn’t have to walk to it and my father in law reached in and shook his hand and said it was good to see him. I know that they understand it takes a bit for him to welcome them into his life and they are thankful he’s always been so kind toward them.

I had no idea that there was a time bomb ticking in his head.

As a grief counselor I’ve learned that one of the things you must do is appreciate the good times and the love when it is there. That day I truly appreciated it. I had so much fun. I felt so loved. And I was happy. And I appreciated it.

Later in May the boys took Michael golfing and then we had dinner and the next day they went fishing for his birthday. It was the first time they had spent a whole weekend doing things with him. They golfed 18 holes, just the four of them. We all went out to dinner that night and the next day they went fishing with him. He loved it and they all had a good time.

Right after that we all began to notice that something was amiss with him. After having such a great birthday and being one who always appreciates a good time and attention given to him (though he’d never ask or expect it), he started to distance himself (or so it seemed). He kept telling me nothing was wrong. But I sensed something was wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

On Father’s Day they took him golfing again. Only this time the results were less than spectacular. He had a good time but the boys noticed he was slow and wouldn’t (for some reason) get in the golf cart. Odd behavior for someone who was always predictable and reliable.

We went to the Yankees/Red Sox game on July 4th weekend and again he was slow and inattentive in Manhattan and not, it seems clear in retrospect, really aware of his slowness.

August was again something of a puzzle. On Labor Day we went shopping for my daughter’s back to school time and he was so overbearing and had forgotten his belt and kept pulling his pants up that I gave her money and took him to Legal Seafoods while she shopped. He was perfectly normal in Legal Seafoods but I couldn’t fathom that he forgot his belt and was being so uncharacteristically overbearing.

And 2 weeks later he had a seizure.

So Mother’s Day was really the last time I remember feeling that all was right with the world. I had a sinking feeling over the summer but the kids and I wondered if he was not getting early Alzheimers. His behavior was so odd sometimes and then it would be normal.

The doctors reamed me out for not bringing him in when I had seen these symptoms. First of all, I could see me trying to get Michael to the doctor. Second, what would I say? He’s forgetting his belt and slowing down? And third, what doctor would order and what insurance company would pay for an MRI based on THAT? But I felt guilty anyway.

And when I look at the Mother’s Day pictures I realize I had a wonderful day and I just want to go back to then. And have these past six months just be one big nightmare.

But they’re not.

And that pisses me off.