I’ve been having meltdowns on a fairly consistent basis. I almost threw hospice out of the house last week. My son Michael had to talk me down from throwing everyone out. I’m on edge. I don’t like everyone in my house. I don’t like not being informed when Michael’s care changes. I don’t like so very many things.

Last night I was trying to spread salt around to de-ice the place and I slipped and fell. As I lay on the ground I thought this would be a good time to have a tantrum. Outside house maintenance is not my cup of tea. I wouldn’t even live here if it wasn’t for Michael. I don’t “do” de-icing and snow shoveling. Yet there I was doing it.

There was some resignation on my part and no tantrum, external or internal, ensued. I just got up and continued along the de-icing process. But today I am sore and stiff.

I continually feel two seconds away from screaming, crying or taking someone’s head clean off. But sometimes I just don’t even have the energy for it.

I cried all the way home from work on Monday night. I had a “sob from the bottom of my heart” type headache all night and into Tuesday. Some days, like today, I just can’t go there. I need some time to recuperate and regenerate between “episodes.” I need some time to be.

I have de-icing moments where I melt down and then icing up moments where I pull inward and refuse to emote.

When I was down on the snow and ice looking up at the sky I thought, “This totally sucks.” Because it totally does. But it was more of a side note, a passing observation, than introductory remarks that degenerate into complete hysteria.

I sometimes attempt to command Michael to get up out of his sick bed and be a normal person without cancer. It’s my denial running the show. I lay on the ground thinking, “WHY are you not out here doing this? Why?”

I know he’d rather be out there than laying in the bed and I would rather he be out there too. But for today it’s not going to happen and I have to just pick myself up, brush myself off, and continue to chip away at the ice and snow.

In so very many ways.

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