I know that many of you have written to ask how I am doing. In short, I am holding my own.

I went out to eat with a friend a week ago. We normally say we are going for an hour or two and then we close the restaurant. And in NYC the restaurants close LATE! So as is typical with us, we said let’s meet around 7 and I have to be home by 11 the latest. And as is also typical we met at 7:30 and closed the restaurant at 2 am. And if the restaurant was not throwing us out on our booties, we would have stayed longer. We once went to visit a friend in New Jersey and stayed so late we missed all the trains going back to Manhattan and had to take the MORNING COMMUTE train back at 5 am. (yes it was a WORK night!) So we can talk.

But it was the first time I had seen her in months and she had a major loss in November (on the very weekend we were supposed to meet). We typically get together for our birthdays (again, both in November) but we didn’t this year due to the grief and grim we were both going through.

I talked about Michael a lot and how I’ve been railing against life and how unfair it all is. We talked a lot about that and we bounced a few perspectives around and by the end of the night I had to admit I was feeling better. Of course I hadn’t been out in so long that maybe I just needed that type of night out with someone (we always have a great time).

I realized, in sharing a lot of stuff with her, that I’m in a weird place right now. I’m actually taking it one day at a time instead of just saying I am. I’m not living in the past nor in the future. Of course the ODAAT thing is not perfect. I have moments where I can see and hear Michael as he was in August and I start to cry. Automatically. Uncontrollably. And I hear a song and start to weep. And I have that experience just about every day.

And I can be angry for no reason and very very short with the general public. But overall I’ve turned a page.

I’ve said many times that I can’t say goodbye all the time. When Michael “lapses” into incoherency and sleeps 20 hours a day, I’m right there thinking it’s “the end.” But I’ve been through that about 7 times now and it’s emotionally draining and wearing. I have to stop from doing that. I’ve said goodbye so many times now and he pops back up, gains some energy and is doing pretty well.

I’ve come to realize that the up and down is how it’s going to go and be. He will bounce back, sometimes incredibly so, that I will almost have hope again that all will be alright. Then he crashes and I’m thinking “oh no, this is the end.”

I can’t live on that roller coaster. It was making me nuts.

I am nowhere near serene about anything, but I’ve come to a wee bit of acceptance around where things are today. He’s not “here” in the sense I’d like him to be here, but he is here and I am grateful for the small moments (few and far between) that he’s here and coherent and talking to me. And I’m grateful I can show him, every day, that I love him.

For now, that’s all I know. He’s no better but he’s no worse. He’s holding his own.

And I am too.

Thanks all for caring.