For the first time Michael is complaining about pain. It was so weird, what he was describing, that I called hospice on Sunday night. He was reporting weird, traveling pain…his back, his neck, his teeth, his fingertips. He never complains about pain, even when he has some (you have to ask) so it was odd and alarming to me. So I called hospice and they called his doctor.

The oncologist thinks it’s nerve ending pain and they prescribed Neurontin for that.

I felt dejected after he had been doing so well. He’s not as alert as he was and his voice is soft again. I can’t bring myself to try to wake him if he’s in pain.

Today I opened the cell phone bill. I’m still carrying his cell phone on the plan and I can’t bring myself to shut it off. I called his voice mail to see if there were any messages and his message, “This is Mike” in his sweet voice (you could tell that he wasn’t all that into making the recording) hit me like a ton of bricks. It sounds like he was out on the water when he made it. It’s kind of windy in the background. I haven’t heard the message in a long time. It upended me.

I looked back through the last year’s statements and I could track all the times he called me and Gina. And then they just stop. They just stop.

I didn’t expect a cell phone bill to unravel me but it did. I spent the entire day on the verge of tears and then just sobbed in the car on the way home.

I miss him so much.

My soul is howling.

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