Michael has been low energy and no appetite for the past few days. Today he woke up with a fever (100.9), coughing, congestion. I’ve never known him to have a fever. He’s had a cold maybe once the whole time I’ve known him (and I’m not even sure about that).

No one here is sick and I don’t know how he picked up a bug. He’s hungry but can’t seem to eat. I’m off to get him some Carnation Instant Breakfast because he’s drinking well enough. This is a development I hadn’t planned for. The last thing I want or need is him going in the hospital and I don’t want to make/not make that decision. I promised him I would not let him go back there (unless he had seizures that could not be controlled at home). Very upsetting to me.

UPDATE: 4/22 Michael continues to have a 102 fever. He had a few minutes last night where he blinked when I asked him to do so if he could hear me but it was once. I had asked him about 100 times. He didn’t respond to me or Gina most of the night except for that one time and that was with me sitting there talking to him for hours. I said to Gina, I think he blinked just to shut me up. She laughed through her tears.

Hospice was out last night. He doesn’t have a cold. The congestion etc is the progression of the cancer.

Because he’s not drinking (I’ve been squirting some liquid into his mouth with a baster but most of it dribbles back out) we went to liquid meds. The doctor prescribed a low dose of morphine to regulate his breathing which is rapid and shallow and liquid ativan to ensure he doesn’t seize.

We’re thinking he’s not going to rebound from this. I’ve been trying to keep it together to deal with nurses and the kids but inside I’m screaming. At the top of my lungs.