Michael is more alert. Our new caregiver has been plying him with food for the past 3 days (the man is a saint!). This morning he woke up and started talking in a clear, loud voice (much louder than his normal voice) and announcing to me that I have betrayed him, left him on a stage to freeze to death.

I know it’s the tumor and that what he’s saying is nonsense. I told him I loved him and wanted to take care of him and he said, “For now. And then you’ll just throw me out like garbage.”

So un-Michael like. And I have to say it stung. Really stung. I felt like I was slapped. Hard. To be grappling with losing him and now he’s just so angry at me in a way he’s never been before. Even though I know it’s not him, it still hurts.

I gave my caregiver a book called “Final Gifts” yesterday which was written by two hospice nurses and he had just read about this behavior in the dying even without brain tumors. He says it’s about them distancing themselves from the people they are getting ready to leave.

woo boy.

I was so glad to see him rebounding but he’s really angry right now and I don’t know why. The well Michael and even the sick-until-this-point Michael has been a “roll off my back” type. I’ve never really seen him so angry that he would be spitting hurtful things at someone like he is now. Especially me.

I assume it is part of the dying process and I will continue to soothe him and tell him that I love him but it’s hard.

It’s very hard.