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I’ve talked, all through this process, of wanting to scream and last night I did.

I was alone for the first time in I don’t know how long. I tried to just relax, watch the baseball game, and chill. But I kept talking to Michael and was just overcome by loneliness for him.

I read one of my books that said that widows are often overcome with the financial responsibilities or lack of identity. That was unhelpful. I screamed at the book…I have NO issue with the responsibilities….I have NO issues with my identity and independence!!!

I simply miss my hunny bunny desperately. I JUST MISS HIM.

And I do not get how such a wonderful person could just die when so many MFers are just walking around. It makes me angry. Michael was a simple guy who liked to fish and watch NASCAR and be there for his family. He never bothered anyone. He was a kind and just person. He was a giving, loving human being. WHY ISN’T HE HERE?????

After reading that book, I just exploded in grief and anger and tears and very loud questioning of how the F I can lose the only person who has ever been there for me.

And I did scream a bit before completely crumpling into a sobbing ball on the floor.

Oh FCK this is hard.

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When Michael was first diagnosed I searched for information on brain tumors, symptoms, medications, surgeries, hospitalizations, prognosis and timelines.

I didn’t find anything that fit our situation exactly but a lot of people find this blog by Googling “brain tumor”, “gliomas” “astrocytoma” “anaplastic astrocytomas” etc, so I imagine that some people are looking for information as I was last year.

So I’ll be posting, occasionally, information about the medical/process side of things. I will title those posts as Info: [subheading]

I am composing what will be either a post or a series of posts: Before the Seizure, Seizure and Hospitalization, Fighting with the Medical Community, Medication, Chemotherapy and Radiation, Decline, Home Care and Hospice, Ups and Downs, Mental Statuses, Final Deterioration and Death.

For patients or families searching for information, please feel free to email me directly and I will share what I can with you.

Smell is the most powerful of the 5 senses and since he died, I’ve fallen asleep each night hugging Michael’s pillows which still retained his scent. The scent is starting to fade and I sort of feel hysterical all over again.

I keep finding little things that I’m not looking for. Last night I was testing the garage door after we had a security system installed and as I walked on Michael’s side, I spotted a long box on top of his file cabinet (he kept fishing lures in the cabinet so I haven’t gone near any of that stuff). I opened it and found our wedding cake knife and server engraved with our names and wedding date. It was all taped up…obviously Michael’s handiwork. I hadn’t seen it since our wedding. I didn’t even know we still had them.

Then I was looking for batteries and came across a decorative, miniature Harley gas tank in his dresser. Wrapped up inside was a crystal figurine he had given me of a mother and baby manatee. He bought it for me on our first family vacation to San Diego. He obviously wrapped it and put it inside so it wouldn’t break during our last move.

I always made fun of the way he packed (he packed by size and not by room…). While he seemed pretty disorganized and scattered, he took great care with even the smallest of my things and held onto things that I had lost track of. And he packed the last 3 homes we lived in and got each of them ready for sale. And I don’t think he knew how much I appreciated those things.

When I found the little manatee, I cried for about an hour.

I’m at the most basic of steps…doing what I did 22 years ago when I first turned my life around. I will write more about it in the next few days, but I wanted to assure everyone that I am following my own advice to the letter. Thank you everyone who comments here and/or sends email. I am most grateful.

For Michael’s memorial service I wanted it be very personal to him and to the family. It was very important to me that we honored his life and his love for his family. I wanted it to be Michael’s memorial, unlike any other service because he was who he was and he was a unique and special person.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m still writing up the post about the memorial but I will be posting short notes as a way of journaling. I have no idea if any of these posts are going to make sense.

Today I went downstairs and, as I’ve mentioned before, I have about 50 boxes down there that we were supposed to go through last year. Today I went down and I picked up a small box…thinking I’d start small. There was a small Harley box inside the small box. It was a box I had bought him and it was taped closed. Tape all around the outside. I had no idea what was in it.

I opened it and it contained an engraved lighter I gave him, a watch I gave him (not working and not expensive), a faded picture of me in my motorcycle clothes with our two motorcycles sorta photoshopped to the bottom and a goofy card from me that said “Happy 11 months and 3 week anniversary. I bet you thought I’d forget. love, me.” (it was a joke between us that I was the one who forgot our dates…meeting, first date etc). Taped to the bottom of the box was a label he had written: “some of our first year.”

I had no idea he kept things like this (a few momentos) organized like that.

He always kept my cards by his computer (the last birthday card etc). There was always a card for me next to his computer.

I know he kept everything I ever gave him but this was the first time I saw a purposeful organized grouping.

It was like a punch …

….and…

…I think I’ll stay out of the boxes for a while.

I re-ordered a lot of my grief books this morning and some new ones. The old ones have highlights and notes and turned down pages that have to do with other experiences and other losses and I want this to be just about Michael. I want to do my grief and rebuild my life and get from here to there.

The funny thing is that I know I CAN get from here to there, I know HOW to get from here to there, and I know I WILL get from here to there.

But right now HERE just hurts so much.

I am going to write about the memorial tomorrow but tonight I realized that the last year has been spent battling the disease and I never spent too much time dwelling on the well Michael even though I thought of him and missed him every day.

I had to focus on caring for Michael and being there for him and trying to love him the best I could. I couldn’t really think about the well Michael every night as I sat next to the sick Michael. I just wanted to sit with, be with, care for and love him. I couldn’t let the well-Michael memories interfere because it would have crushed me and caring for him was my first priority.

Since the sick Michael is gone and all the accoutrements of the disease, the terrible and horrible disease, my mind is just filled with all that he was and all that I’ve lost.

And once again I know how the flowers felt.

I’ve felt horrible in my life, but honestly I never knew it was possible to feel this bad.

My heart is shattered.

Michael’s service was today and it was beautiful.

I will detail it later on because I am exhausted but it was a true and loving tribute to a great man…