I am going to write about the memorial tomorrow but tonight I realized that the last year has been spent battling the disease and I never spent too much time dwelling on the well Michael even though I thought of him and missed him every day.

I had to focus on caring for Michael and being there for him and trying to love him the best I could. I couldn’t really think about the well Michael every night as I sat next to the sick Michael. I just wanted to sit with, be with, care for and love him. I couldn’t let the well-Michael memories interfere because it would have crushed me and caring for him was my first priority.

Since the sick Michael is gone and all the accoutrements of the disease, the terrible and horrible disease, my mind is just filled with all that he was and all that I’ve lost.

And once again I know how the flowers felt.

I’ve felt horrible in my life, but honestly I never knew it was possible to feel this bad.

My heart is shattered.