I’ve talked, all through this process, of wanting to scream and last night I did.

I was alone for the first time in I don’t know how long. I tried to just relax, watch the baseball game, and chill. But I kept talking to Michael and was just overcome by loneliness for him.

I read one of my books that said that widows are often overcome with the financial responsibilities or lack of identity. That was unhelpful. I screamed at the book…I have NO issue with the responsibilities….I have NO issues with my identity and independence!!!

I simply miss my hunny bunny desperately. I JUST MISS HIM.

And I do not get how such a wonderful person could just die when so many MFers are just walking around. It makes me angry. Michael was a simple guy who liked to fish and watch NASCAR and be there for his family. He never bothered anyone. He was a kind and just person. He was a giving, loving human being. WHY ISN’T HE HERE?????

After reading that book, I just exploded in grief and anger and tears and very loud questioning of how the F I can lose the only person who has ever been there for me.

And I did scream a bit before completely crumpling into a sobbing ball on the floor.

Oh FCK this is hard.