Some mornings I wake up crying as if I was crying in my sleep. I hate those days. And some nights I cry myself to sleep. I hate those nights.

And some days I feel pretty good and then all of a sudden I can’t get through a sentence or see some random thing on television without crying.

I was watching Craig Ferguson the other night and Reba McIntyre was on singing “Consider me gone” a song I’d never heard before and I was sitting there listening (I’m not a big fan of country music but I like Reba a lot whenever I do see her), and I was enjoying the performance (she’s really good) and then the chorus goes:

If I’m not the one thing you can’t stand to lose
If I’m not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don’t get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we’re done

And I just burst into tears because I was that one for Michael.

And so there I am crying when I started out watching a show I thoroughly enjoy that makes me laugh out loud (I LOVE Craig Ferguson). Part of me thought, “Oh my goodness…could I have a day, just one day, where something doesn’t upend me like this?”

****

Many years ago I used to spend a lot of time trying hard to not do things like drinking or smoking. I would journal “Did not smoke today.” “Did not drink today.”

Well it’s been 22 years since I’ve had a drink and 11 years since I had a cigarette. So for most of the past 10 years or so I didn’t have to count my days against what I didn’t do. It’s been a long, long time since I was obsessed with not doing something. Because I’ve been pretty happy and in control and not battling a lot of demons or temptations.

But today I noticed a thing I didn’t do.

I didn’t cry today.

I have these days sometimes where I’m just sick of it. I know it’s part of the process but some days I feel like “Okay this is ENOUGH right now.”

I thought that after the first few weeks after Michael died I wouldn’t just be sitting somewhere and well up with tears. And I STILL do that. In public. Randomly. Without being able to hold it back.

And then today I just noticed that I wasn’t feeling close to tears at all, as I am many days. I know it’s just a reprieve but I’ll take it when I can get it.

****

Tonight I’m going to listen to Stephen and Ondrea Levine’s Grief as I fall asleep.

I never seem to get past the meditation which is right in the beginning, but I think that my brain is somehow hearing it while I sleep.

So for today I didn’t cry.

I’m going to listen to the audio and see what happens.

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