It seemed that about 3 weeks I wasn’t really able to “access” Michael. I thought he was fading from view…which scared me, but when he wasn’t quite tangible I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed emotionally. I enjoyed the family vacation, as I wrote about, and felt very calm. The vacation was very very much needed.

Today I heard him laugh. Not really but in my head. And it was so clear and so real to me. And I saw him (not really) standing by the couch staring at the television with a disapproving look. I don’t know why but that image was very real to me.

And I cried for the first time in weeks and missed him as much as I did in the beginning.

I know it’s the process but I also think it has to do with going back to the funeral home tomorrow to pick up the DVD copies of the photos we ran at his memorial service. Whatever it is, it’s here again and I’ll just ride it out. Again.

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