I had my first dream about Michael over the weekend. Yes, the first one.

He was standing in jeans and a jean jacket (and Harley shirt of course) and yelling at me (in a way he would never do in real life) that I didn’t take care of him and how could I leave him for dead when he obviously wasn’t? And I said, “How could you say this? I took care of you. Joanne from Hospice said she’d never seen such love between two people.” And he dismissed that, saying grumpily, “What does she know? She thought I was dead too!” (she actually was the one who pronounced it). And I was flabbergasted and upset but had a feeling he was just “grousing.” I can’t really tell how you know your inner thoughts in a dream but even though I was protesting, I sorta knew he was just letting off steam.

I woke up with two conflicting feelings: 1) angry that he would be angry because I know I took good care of him and 2) so glad to see him. It seemed so real.

When I woke up, I reached out to touch him. I was upset, on one level, that the first dream I have of him (that I remember anyway) and he’s all p.o.’d. Although a tender, loving dream like it was would probably have done me in.

I know I don’t post here as much as I did. My grief is not as active as in every day or even at the intensity that it was. But when it comes, it comes like a freight train.

On a positive note, It’s been very clean grief…and I feel like I’ve been moving at an incredible pace when just a few months ago I was deep in despair. It seems like when I “took off,” the healing really started to accelerate. It’s not that I don’t miss him….I miss him every day and after the dream, the longing returned very intensely.

Even today I was feeling it deeply and it manifests in weird ways…like I ran out of mouthwash and I realized that I always had months and months worth because we did bulk shopping every 3 months or so. Michael would buy a lot of nonsense when we went (as is well chronicled on here, he loved his crazy food) but he always packed the cart, the car and unpacked when we got home…and I haven’t done any bulk shopping since he got sick in 9/08. And so I find myself out of mouthwash which I never was in the years and years we were together. Odd things like that suddenly take over my thoughts.

But I was thinking just last night that if I hadn’t grieved so many other things and done my grief work all along…if I hadn’t had a clean slate (or almost clean, I’m not sure it’s possible to have a completely clean slate), I would not be feeling so much less bereft now.

The kids seem to be much more sensitive than I am when we talk about his things and practical matters. I don’t think it’s only because I’m the one who needs to deal with it in the end, but because I’m somewhat ahead of them in the healing process. And as I know is true with grief, the ones who have tried to outrun their grief are less “progressed” than those who have been more accepting of it. I talked about this over the weekend when one or two were upset that it was “too soon” to be talking about giving away/selling/taking his things. It’s been hard for me, there are points where it’s still hard, but I’m dealing better with the practical matters (of which there are many).

I let them be but let them know that “doing” your grief work is important and one of the reasons I’m where I am is because I did it before this, during this and after this. I am hoping to show them the way by my own process. For now they’re not hearing me, but that’s okay.

My process is still unfolding, as evidenced by the dream. And that’s okay too.

More will be revealed.

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