Two years ago on fourth of July weekend, I brought Michael to his first Yankee/Red Sox game in the old Yankee Stadium (he had never been and it was the last year of the Stadium). I grew up in that Stadium and knew it was one of the last times I’d ever be there. I grieved the Bronx County Courthouse that you could see from the Stadium, the years in the Stadium growing up and all my fun times in the house that Ruth built.

What I didn’t know was that the man sitting next to me would start to fade from my life two months later and be gone 11 months later. I was so focused on the Stadium and not focused on my good times with the people in my life. It’s important to grieve everything…yes, even Stadiums, but not to lose focus of what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with.

I was so in tune with my grief about the Stadium that day (I even wrote about it on GPYP) the way a grief counselor should be. But I wasn’t tuned into Michael and the fact that he wasn’t having such a great time. Michael was fidgety and slow as a result of the growing tumors in his head. And I was annoyed to some degree. My youngest son counseled me to be patient with him. We knew something was wrong but we thought it was early Alzheimers. I know that part of me was raging against that possible diagnosis. I did not want him to be slipping away so soon into that kind of world. I had no idea that he had something more deadly that would take him 13 months later.

On that day in the Stadium I was careful to drink in all the sights and sounds that I had known for 40 years and that was closing. I had tickets to the last weekend and the last game so I saved some of my observance for that.

Little did I know that I would miss those game because Michael was in a coma in intensive care. There was no way I was leaving his side. The kids went all weekend and I was glad. Every one of my kids went to at least one game and I was glad. They needed the reprieve from the shock of what had just happened.

Now I know that I must be grateful for every day and every one in every day. My oldest sent my a picture of my oldest grandchild at his first day at Yankee Stadium, which was Friday. I was very touched. I love that my son is a good father. I love that my grandson is a rabid Yankee fan. 🙂 And I looked at the picture for a long time. And soaked it in, and appreciated it.

Yesterday I went to a cookout and my son and daughter in law and two boys were there. The boys were swimming in the pool and I was bopping them with a pool toy. They were squealing with delight as they paddled away and then came near. I was wet but happy. When we were all sitting around eating, I soaked it all in. I loved it. And I appreciated it. I will always appreciate any day I can be around my family. I will never ever ever take anything for granted.

I love those that I love. Not now and again. But every single day. No regrets.

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