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I am pretty much in the “fill the moat with alligators” camp.

Would You Remarry After The Death of a Spouse?

Most people find their way here by typing in “brain tumor symptom timeline.” It’s posted on the left hand side and was somewhat helpful to me. After the jump, I will share my own experience. I did consult the timeline often, and though Michael’s experience was anything but typical, it did educate me to some degree. For those who have found their way here with those search terms, my heart goes out to you and feel free to write me about my experience at any time.

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Told me you loved me, that I’d never die alone
Hand over your heart, and let’s go home.

~ “Cold Desert” / Kings of Leon
Lyrics by Followill Brothers (Kings of Leon)

I have my good days, but still have really really bad no good horrible days. Today is a bad day.

I have my performance evaluation meeting today (I already had the written eval which was excellent, I just have to have the meeting), and I’ve been crying most of the day.

I had a long, treacherous commute this morning and wasn’t really paying attention to what my iPod/CD player was doing. I was switching between news radio for traffic/weather reports and iPod and CD player.

I was really intent on the drive. Not doing anything but driving and, except for traffic reports, not really listening. But as I came through the toll booths at the Lincoln Tunnel, “Cold Desert” was playing on the CD player and I just lost it.

You promised you’d never leave me….

You promised, you promised, you promised….

That is all I could think of.

I have been thinking lately that I have got to bite the bullet and start really going through things in this house so I can move in the summer. The thought, that most of the things I have to go through were last touched by Michael, makes me almost nauseous.

I went into our office, the place I once spent so much time in and just can’t seem to visit since he got sick in September of 2008. I’ve written on here several times that we had an office together when we were first married and used to sit in there and chit chat and play video games and just keep each other company. We sat back to back on our computers but we were together and often swiveled around to talk to each other. We had a private space (we had a lot of kids living at home including a wee one) and we loved it.
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I am fortunate that I was able to afford a full-time caregiver for Michael so he could stay home where he wanted to be. At one point they wanted to put him in a nursing home. Oh, I can’t even imagine that. I had to get someone to help me care for him at home. The insurance company would only pay for a nurse if he needed it and since he was in pallative care, they wouldn’t do it. So I found a CNA and he made more money than most people I know. But he was excellent and I wanted Michael well taken care of. Admittedly it wiped me out financially and I am still feeling the ramifications of being wiped out, but I was able to do it. Many people cannot. I had the “luxury” of deciding to spend every cent on Michael’s care but many people simply cannot afford that.

One of the few comforts I had was that Michael was at home for the last 9 months of his life where he wanted to be. He was surrounded by those who loved him and in his own environment. It was the best thing I could have done. Had he had to have gone into a nursing home, I would have been consumed with guilt.

Home care is important.

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