I was talking to someone who is traveling every day to visit a family member in the hospital far away. It reminded me of taking Michael to radiation an hour each way every day for 6 weeks. He always had a smile on his face when he went into or came out of radiation. He joked with the nurses, he told the little kids the names of the fish in the salt water tank, he said hello to anyone coming into or out of the suite. Thinking of him and his kind, courageous face going through those treatments made me feel guilty that I spent all day yesterday mad at him. And thinking of that face and how brave he was and in such good cheer, brought tears to my eyes. I was thinking, “HOW could I be mad at him?” But I can and I know it’s part of the process.
Grief is such a roller coaster ride. It never fails to surprise me.
Rope Burns ~ A Journey 
3 comments
Comments feed for this article
January 17, 2010 at 6:23 pm
greenroses73
Again, makes a lot of sense. When reading your anger-post, I was wondering whether you had a moment of feeling ‘guilty’ about it. If you had written that, I would have told you to not beat yourself up. But sounds like you don’t anyway, you just recognize your feelings for what they are, feel them and continue to put one foot in front of the other.
My SIL is similar to Michael in that sense (ie, smiling, cracking jokes even when in pain, positive attitude. During a chemo treatment two years ago she made another patient laugh and lifted her spirits!). These are very, very loveable traits. But it does not mean I couldn’t sometimes get p.o. at her either. Again, it’s all part of the picture.
You are doing great.
January 18, 2010 at 9:09 am
KWriting
I kept my bf on a pedestal for an awfully long time after he died. It was not good for me to do that. I was stuck b/c I felt too guilty or “wrong” for having any unseemly feelings about him. I was angry that he died, I did feel that anger, but I suppressed the anger I felt toward him for other things that were left unfinished, unsettled, un-discussed. You are doing right by yourself for keeping it real and feeling all of these emotions, including the anger at him. And for expressing it! No doubt you felt angry at him sometimes when he was alive, too, so I think keeping it real now honors your relationship. It’s honest and healthy and that’s what you are all about.
hugs,
K
January 20, 2010 at 5:51 pm
Rhea
I echo Kathy, and agree that you are doing right by yourself for keeping it real and feeling all of these emotions, including the anger at him. And for expressing it! I hope you remember to nourish yourself when the sadness surface again. A bubble bath, a massage, allow your self to receive compassion from others, emotional and practical.